i’ll be honest, i have been struggling a lot with lofi-ghosts volume 3. i know in my last post i talked about creating a somewhat new direction for the zine moving forward and although the ideas were there, the execution has been difficult. a part of it has to do with having executive dysfunction and not being able to pick one clear direction. i’ve been ruminating on the zine for months now. i don’t know why it was so easy to create the first two but now i’m struggling so hard to flesh out this third one. and then it kinda just hit me — i’m trying to create too much in one place. just like how i would struggle in my journals and planners to keep everything in one book, i struggled to figure out a way to keep all the different topics in one zine. and so i thought, what if lofi-ghosts was just split into separate zines? is that crazy? is that too much work? but it is, after all, my creative project. i set the rules. and truth be told, i had always wanted to create multiple zines for all the different things i wanted to talk about. i think lofi-ghosts could maybe be a seasonal zine. one overarching zine that outlines all of my interests. and maybe separate monthly or bi-monthly zines for the different categories.

i have a lot of different interests, different hobbies, and different topics in mind. my issue is that all of that gets jumbled up into a pile of mixed up thoughts that make it hard for me to sort through. one thing i wanted to focus more on through my zine is the topic of being adhd and getting through life when you’re struggling with it. especially as someone who has a lot of health issues already and really hate the idea of being on adhd medication for the rest of my life, i had to figure out ways to navigate this disorder in a natural way. and although it’s not impossible, it’s extremely difficult depending on the severity. there are highs and lows with adhd. i wanted to talk more about the struggles and how i overcome them, through my zine somehow. i also rely a lot on my journals and planners as sort of a tool for adhd as well and thought that could be a topic that many of my viewers could relate to. and so, i thought, maybe lofi-ghosts would niche down and just focus on adhd. but then it felt like too much of a shift from the initial idea of lofi-ghosts. so what do?

this is kinda funny to me, but i have the co—star app widget on my phone that basically tells you like a daily prophecy or guidance of sorts. tbh, it’s just more for fun than anything serious, and a lot of times the app gives me some bullshit inaccurate paragraph. but sometimes, it gives me ideas. on one of the days where i was struggling, i took a break to go be a couch potato with my phone and saw the day at a glance.

“You may be scattered today”

i couldn’t help but laugh at that because i was just thinking, ‘brother, when am i not scattered?’ and then —boom. a lightbulb moment. a small eureka. i was so focused on trying to put scattered thoughts into my zine that i realized that i just needed to compartmentalize, just like i do with my multiple journals and notebooks. compartmentalize the thought. what do i want to talk about?

adhd struggles.

i knew instantly what this would become. i quickly got up from my short potatoing session to get back on my computer. opened up adobe illustrator, and typed up a rough draft for a cover.

SC@tter’d — a zine for people struggling with adhd

‘and insomnia’

SC@tter’d — a zine for people struggling with adhd & insomnia

and thus, another zine was born.

i’m someone who doesn’t do well with complicated problem solving. i’m not good at connections. i’m bad at sudoku. i’m even bad at jigsaw puzzles. basically anything that requires actual words, numbers, and analytical data to solve a problem. but what i am good at is figuring out compositions in my head. despite my mom being a pianist, i actually taught myself to play piano. i can play by ear, somewhat. reading notes is complicated. i have tried to learn to read the notes, but it honestly just doesn’t register to me. but in music, i hear the composition in my head and i can figure it out through the keys by tone. and that’s also, truthfully, how i figure out compositions in my design work as well.

it’s just a feeling.

for years, i have struggled to cope with the fact that i’m just not a problem solver. i felt dumb amongst my peers at work. i felt like i was ‘slow’ for not getting things that everyone else understood quickly. i felt stupid for not being able to solve basic (and i do mean basic) math problems [dyscalculia] but i knew that my strength was in creative arts and creative storytelling. but the more i looked into different mental ailments, the more i felt understood. discovering what executive dysfunction was, how much it played into adhd, and figuring out ways to navigate that information, are all things that i wanted to write about. and thus, sc@tter’d will be that place for me to creatively talk through all of it. and my biggest hope, is that it can help others struggling as well.

i want this zine to feel like an extension of lofi-ghosts, not a separate entity of its own. but i will say, at times, lofi-ghosts can feel a bit heavy. i talk about a lot of different things and even in my very first zine, i talk about coping with death. but i created lofi-ghosts to be a safe space for myself and hopefully, for others as well. i know it can be triggering and taboo to talk about certain things, like coping with loss, going into debt, overconsumption, and health issues. but in my opinion, the more we talk about difficult life topics, the more we can normalize it. and the more they feel normal, the faster we can heal. for sc@tter’d, i want it to feel lighthearted but also feel helpful in a way.

i can’t even begin to tell you how many times i’ve spiraled with frustrations of adhd. i have thrown things. i have broken things. i have screamed at top of lung, lashed out at loved ones. cried myself to sleep, for just not getting it. why is my brain so dumb? why can’t i fucking just function like a normal person? why why why? why does my brain feel like a broken tool?
Because it can get so serious, i find solace in memes or making jokes about adhd. humor in general helps me to cope with a lot of things, so i wanted this zine to feel a little lighter. heavy topics but mixed in with some memes and maybe some fun designs just because.

as for lofi-ghosts volume 3, that is definitely going to be pushed back until this summer but for those who have been following along and supporting the zine, i want to thank you for your continued support and interest and apologies that there hasn’t been a winter or spring issue. once i get the flow of my creative endeavors, i want to consistently work on putting out a volume for each season. for now though, excuse the mess and bare with me as i figure out what it is that i’m actually trying to do here lol.

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until next time,

~lo

introducing sc@tter’d - another zine??? | dealing with executive dysfunction and how i’m moving forward